Suicide! – Duck and Run, by 3 Doors Down

3 Doors Down has a song called “Duck and Run” that I really like. Here’s a part of the lyrics and the reason I like it:

All my work and endless measures
Never seem to get me very far
Walk a mile just to move an inch now
Even though I’m trying so damn hard
I’m trying so hard…

The Freshman sat in his dorm room at the University of Texas at Arlington. Everything was ready for leaving. The instructions concerning his stuff were written. The charter fishing boat in Galveston, Texas had been located. The charter rate was fairly cheap, as this was mid-week instead of on a weekend. All of The Freshman’s belongings in the room were neatly packed, except for the weight belt, of course. He had cast his own weights for SCUBA diving out of lead. The belt was fully loaded (it would take him down deep and down fast), but could be hidden under the long, loose shirt he wore. By the time the charter fishing boat operator could react to The Freshman being overboard it would be too late – The Freshman would be too far down, out of reach. Safe. Finally safe.
The Freshman took one last look around. He was calm, having planned his exit for weeks. He loved the water, and this way there would be no body to bury, no expensive casket and burial plot to cost his parents money. The Freshman had cost them enough. It all made sense: Why stay here? This life was futile. Pain. More pain. Uselessness. Time to check out, lift the burden. He had explained it all in the letter that would be found here in the dorm room.
Ah, Calmness. Peace. At last resolution. The act would cause some pain, but then this world is pain. Sorry. Have to go.
The Freshman stood up and took a step toward the door, but, what was this!? Something unseen was filling the room. Confusion. Conflict. It became so thick that The Freshman felt he was immersed in mud. This was not inside him, but all around him. He couldn’t move! His mind screamed “I must go!”, but whatever filled the room prevented him. There was silence, yet the sounds of battle were deafening. Something grabbed him, pulling him towards the door! On either side of him something else took hold – not allowing him to move! The clash of battle was all around. Nothing could be seen, BUT IT WAS THERE! The Freshman was fearful, but too confused to be really terrified. His mind clouded over. WHAT IS HAPPENING? The struggle all around him reached a crescendo – then all stopped. The presence pulling him toward the door was gone, as were the other presences. The Freshman was alone, unrestrained now. He staggered to the bed and sat heavily. “What was that? What just happened? Am I insane? THERE WERE BEINGS IN MY ROOM! And they had fought over me… Why? Who? help… Mommy!” Yes. Call Mom.
“Hi, Mom. Something really strange just happened. You see, I was on my way out to kill myself and…” The Freshman’s mother calmly asked if he had a Bible. No. Then find one, she said. Read Ecclesiastes. Ok, I’ll do that.
The Freshman had a friend on the swim team who had recently become a Christian. He was a changed person. He would have a Bible. The Freshman found his friend and got to read Ecclesiastes, which confirmed everything he had been going through. Yes! This is it! All is just wind, futility, vanity, meaninglessness.
But…but God gives man his spirit. Wisdom is to fear God and keep His commandments, for He will judge all – every act and every person.
That day I learned that I am owned, and have no right to take my life – that I cannot second-guess God. I learned that He made me for a purpose, and for good or for evil I must be what I am: His tool, His vessel for whatever purpose He desires. Why? Because He is God and I am not. He sent angels that day to battle the demons, because my purpose was not fulfilled.
I have free will. I can duck and run. He gives me the choice. Now I understand. He had to make me see it first, so my decision would be an informed one. I got courage that day. Here’s my fist, Satan. Here’s my knee, God.
I won’t duck and run.

This world can turn me down
but I won’t turn away.
And I won’t duck and run,
’cause I’m not built that way.
When everything is gone
there is nothing there to fear.
This world cannot bring me down, no,
’cause I’m already here, oh no!
I’m already here,
down on my knees.
I’m already here, oh no
I’m already here.
I must have told you a thousand times
I’m not running away.

I won’t duck and run.

P.S. – My Mom never knew why she told me to read Ecclesiastes – she had no idea what was in the book.

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